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The following method of dealing with emotional stress is based on the teachings of Ken Keyes, Jr., author of The Handbook to Higher Consciousness. The Handbook is probably the single most important
work you can read to improve the quality of your life. My own experience was that it set me free from forty-six years of accumulated emotional garbage!

The book’s basic philosophy is built upon The Noble Truths Of Buddha, which I shall try to quote accurately:

“ALL LIFE IS SUFFERING.
ALL SUFFERING IS CAUSED BY DEMANDS.
REMOVE ALL DEMANDS -- REMOVE ALL SUFFERING.”

If you can learn to flip the “intellectual switch” in your brain and stop DEMANDING with every ounce of your being that a situation be different, you’re on your way to a state of mental well-being. By simply changing the demand to a PREFERENCE, you have taken a giant step forward!

The essence of Buddha’s wisdom is also incorporated in the Serenity Prayer:

GRANT ME THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS THAT CAN BE CHANGED, THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS THAT CAN’T BE CHANGED, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.”

The distillation of both teachings is that it all boils down to how YOU choose to handle any negative situation in your life. You can either REACT EMOTIONALLY or RESPOND INTELLECTUALLY!!

This “self therapy” method is so simple, you won’t believe it! All it takes is the REPEATED answering of four questions, the first two answers always being self-evident. The last two questions are the most important and are the ones most people are afraid to face. As a consequence, they continue to struggle with ongoing internal conflict!

METHODOLOGY

Whenever you feel any kind of negative emotion, (e.g., anger, jealousy, hatred, impatience, intolerance, fear, anxiety, panic, disappointment, sorrow, self-pity, worry, etc., etc.), ask yourself the following questions:

QUESTION 1: WHAT IS IT THAT I AM DEMANDING?

Example Answer: I am DEMANDING that my spouse not snore during the night because it wakes me up and I can’t go back to sleep.

QUESTION 2: WHAT IS THE REALITY?

The answer to this question is ALWAYS the EXACT OPPOSITE of what it is you are DEMANDING!

Example: The reality is that my spouse snores every night and it either keeps me from falling asleep or it awakens me and then I can’t go back to sleep.

QUESTION 3: WHAT IS THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN?

This is the toughest question of all and the one most people: (i) are afraid to face; (ii) fail to ask themselves; or (iii) don’t take to its worst possible conclusion! When you can honestly confront and bravely ACCEPT the answer(s) to it, you will find the negative emotions start to slip away.

REMEMBER , THE ONLY THING YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOUR REACTION TO WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE IMMEDIATE MOMENT!! WHATEVER HAPPENED ONE MINUTE AGO OR ONE YEAR AGO CANNOT BE CHANGED --IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED! How you RESPOND to what has happened or is happening in the present moment, is THE KEY TO YOUR HAPPINESS!!!

Example answers to “What is the worst thing that can happen?”:

1. This snoring problem can go on for the rest of my life!
2. I may even die prematurely from lack of sleep!
3. My spouse and I may have to sleep in separate rooms!
4. I’ll have to get a divorce to solve the problem!

Clearly, there are several answers to the question.

QUESTION 4: WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?

It is in the answering of this question you will find the solution to the problem(s)!

Example sub-question to Option #3 above: What is the worst thing that can happen if I suggest that we sleep in separate rooms?

Example answers:

1. My spouse will think that I don’t love him/her anymore.
2. We won’t get to make love as much as we do now.
3. Maybe we won’t get to make love at all!

What YOU should be concerned with is YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL WELL BEING!!! With each option, you must re-ask and answer Question #3.

What are my sub-options?

1. Convince my spouse that I am still in love with him/her.
2. Make love and then go to the other room if and when I am awakened by the snoring.
3. Accept the possibility of not making love anymore.

Obviously, there are many sub-questions that should be asked and answered in this situation.

Example sub-question to Option #4 above: What is the worst thing that can happen if we do get a divorce?

Example answers:

1. No one will ever love me again! What is the worst thing that can happen then? I’ll have to spend the rest of my life alone!
   
2. My friends will think I’m a failure! What is the worst possible outcome of that? I’ll lose all my/our friends. (This, of course, is an immature answer used for illustrative purposes only).
   
3. I’ll have to start my life all over again!
   

What are my sub-options?

1. Accept the outlandish possibility that that no one WILL ever love you again! When you are able to accept that, you will discover strengths and self-sufficiency that you never knew you had!
   
   Unfortunately, far too many people remain in unbearable situations because “something is better than nothing.” What a terrible way to experience life!!
   
2. Make new friends. Your REAL friends will stick by you, no matter what.
   
3. Accept that you’ll have to start all over again! Each new day really is “THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.”
   

You can now make a rational, pragmatic, unemotional decision that will hopefully work not only for your benefit but all involved parties. That, of course, is the ideal, but in many cases it is not always realistic or achievable if you are dealing with a person who only REACTS EMOTIONALLY, IS SELFISH, OR UNREALISTIC!

REMEMBER: OLD ENDINGS ARE ALWAYS NEW BEGINNINGS!!!

HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOR JULIE

Q: What am I feeling and what am I demanding?

A: I am feeling sad and lonely and I am demanding that Tom be here at my side for the rest of my life, to hold my hand, give me self- confidence, and convince me that I am worthy of him.

Q: What is the reality?

A: Tom is in America. I don’t know if or when he is coming back and I don’t have anybody to make me feel complete.

Q: What is the worst thing that can happen?

A: Tom may never come back and I may never see him again.

Q: What are my options?

A: I must realize that I am responsible for my own happiness! I must learn through constant monitoring of my thoughts to stay out of the imagined future and to “BE HERE NOW” -- to enjoy whatever blessings I do have at the present time, from good health to a wonderful son.

I must discipline myself to never allow a negative thought to stay in my mind for more than a fleeting moment. I must learn to “be my own cake” and only allow someone else to be the “icing” on my
cake, but never my cake!! That way, if I lose the icing, I still have the cake, which is pretty damn good in and of itself!

When I am truly able to accomplish this mental perspective and attain self acceptance along with the corollary feeling of worthiness, I will then be fantastic icing for Tom’s or some other great person’s cake!

I must take whatever steps I can, by reading and by continuing my education, to increase my awareness and to live up to my full potential. I must also realize that today really is “THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE” and that “LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE FOR THOSE WITH THE COURAGE TO EXPLORE.”

For practice, try making up your own questions and answers to the following situational examples:

1. My boss is an inconsiderate grump!
2. My coworkers don’t do their share of the work!
3. I can’t stand my spouse’s indifference anymore!
4. I can’t stand it when the children are noisy!
5. I hate my car because it is always breaking down!
6. I have cancer!!
   

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